Canary


I can’t remember what it was that triggered moist eyes the other day.  I was just getting in the elevator – another couple was in there already – it was just a normal kind of day.  But suddenly I was with a couple, a foreign couple speaking a foreign language, an intruder in their space, shut up in this elevator with their coupleness, but all alone.  And suddenly I was soooo outraged.  Outraged at that tool that I wrote about earlier because look – look at what I am doing, subjecting myself to.  Because I guess for some reason, even though I’ve talked to dozens of people like him who think they know everything they need to know about adoption, I guess I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with that crap here.

I mean, here I’ve travelled 5,000 miles away from everyone I love and know to confront everything that eats at me head on – and this guy thinks I’m not doing enough or doing it right.  Since when was there a RIGHT way to process adoption?  Since when was there a RIGHT way to process being abused?  Since when was there a RIGHT way to recover from loss?  The argument goes that you shouldn’t dwell on the negatives, that you should move on, and only by having such an attitude can you GET OVER IT.  ANYONE who has the audacity to tell another person, “you need to heal yourself,” has a whole lot of work to do on themselves, in my opinion.  And these pricks think it is my social duty TO THEM to deal with it in a manner they IMAGINE they, as superior beings, would deal with it.

Never mind that this was my m.o. for most of my life – keeping the peace, making my presence tolerable and denying any issues that I would – hell, anybody would – naturally have under the circumstances.

I AM DOING all a human can possibly do.  This is the most positive, proactive thing I’ve ever done.  This is my process.  It’s an awkward, ugly process, but it’s MINE.  And I’m facing it.  Can he and all those other critics say the same about their own lives?

Those that criticize my search for identity – why are you so threatened?  Those that call me angry – what’s it to you?  (especially Mr. Tool, who had to get new room-mates on day one of the teacher orientation due to his own lack of social graces)  Those that discount my observations about adoption simply because I was abused – why are they mutually exclusive?

Nope.   This is good and this is right, what I’m doing.  My identity is mine.  This culture should be/was mine.  My anger is justified, and I’m making lemonaide from lemons.  BUT YOU HAVE TO SQUEEZE THE LEMONS FIRST.

Wednesday I begin Korean lessons.  A week from tomorrow I go to record a video appealing to the public again about finding my birth family at YTN t.v. studios.  I just signed a 3 year contract for my internet and t.v.  I’m bucking convention and trying to explore this culture as authentically as I can.

I know there are many others who have gone down the same path.  I am not alone.  (these are very interesting interviews with other returning Koreans from all over the world who have chosen to live here.  especially compelling are the interviews with Daniel Esseric and Jane Jeong Trenka.  There is an audio bar in the upper right hand corner of the archive site if you click on the interview links)

I am also a Canary in the motherland.  That I and those before and after me return signals a new era.  I must thrive here.  For the sake of a healthier Korea, for our own identity and peace of mind.

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