i’m so spent.
it’s been an exhausting four months here:
- having my two week settling in destroyed by recruiter’s mistake.
- draining labor dispute and plea bargain with recruiter.
- landing a teaching position with no dedicated classroom, broken equipment, and poor support.
- traveling to my birthplace and finding nothing twice.
- going on tv twice
- being in the magazine article
- being the subject of the documentary, all 30+ hours it took
- my new role as adoption gone wrong poster child
- the grind of commuting to my korean lessons
- the inability to concentrate on korean lessons
- the fight with holt
- the impossible task ahead of me, searching for kim sook ja
but the worst part is the isolation.
- i only hear english. i therefore, can’t practice or learn korean.
- all my colleagues have their own lives.
- i haven’t the money or energy after all of the above to party with the young foreigners
- my struggles on-line get buried because i don’t cry loud enough
- foreigners always forget who i am because i blend in with all the other koreans, and i’ve given up trying
- i can’t have a functional conversation in korean with anyone korean who can’t speak english
- i’ve no prospects for company, and i can just totally forget about romance at my age. even the korean women my age can’t find it, and i especially can’t find it because of the two previous reasons.
- i only have this stupid computer and this stupid blog and these four walls and a pile of heavy subject matter to work through that would make grown men tremble.
what the hell was i thinking, coming here? in my city of 600,000 on the edge of the almost 12 million people of seoul, i am totally alone all the time.
why must i be the fighter for social justice? why must i be the translator of this pain? why have i never been free to just enjoy myself? why have i always been so exquisitely lonely? why has it ALWAYS been so crushingly intense?
i’d just like the freedom to be weak for a minute. i’m just a simple girl who wants a simple life and someone to love me, that’s all.
please, God, if you’re out there. please allow me that.