screaming into a bag


Comment from my other blog:

Very interesting thoughts.  My wife and I (both Caucasian) just adopted our daughter from Ethiopia.  She has been home with us for about 4 months and is doing great.  I understand that since she is only 14 months old she hasn’t been able to understand any of the color differences between her and us.  But in my opinion, that’s they only difference, skin color.  I work and am friends with several other Ethiopian families and we meet monthly with other families who have adopted Ethiopian children.  So I guess I’m curious about your statement, “Yes it can be done. But it’s a messed up thing to do.”
What were we to do when we weren’t able to get pregnant?  Should we have insisted on only adopting a brown hair, brown eyed white baby because they looked like us?  That to me sounds racist in itself.  I’d have to say that in the 100’s of families we’ve seen adopt from Ethiopia only 2-3 of them have been black and they were originally from Ethiopia.  So what was to become of those children that were adopted?  Should they have to wait until a black person or better yet someone from Africa came and adopted them?  Because to be honest that might not have ever happened.

My wife and I totally understand the hardships and struggles that our daughter “MIGHT” go through.  We have prepared ourselves through reading, counseling and communication and even that might not be enough.  But we love our daughter and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.  Yes, she is a Utopian fantasy of ours because we’ve always wanted to be parents.  She has been such a blessing to us and has forever changed our lives.

What is this?  The hundredth such response I’ve gotten with the same exact sentiments?  Can’t these people read?  I have two entire websites devoted to answering these questions, and still they write me this self-validating self-centered rationalizing spew.

Frankly, I’m tired of being diplomatic, so I just won’t answer these anymore.

What I really want to say is in blue below:

Very interesting thoughts.  My wife and I (both Caucasian) just adopted our daughter from Ethiopia.  She has been home with us for about 4 months and is doing great.  I understand that since she is only 14 months old she hasn’t been able to understand any of the color differences between her and us.  But in my opinion, that’s they only difference, skin color.

Easy FOR YOU to be color blind.  EASY FOR YOU. Nice fantasy that you think the rest of the world is too.

Why Ethiopia?  Why not one of the kids in U.S. group homes and foster care?  They don’t need help, because they’re not babies???

I work and am friends with several other Ethiopian families and we meet monthly with other families who have adopted Ethiopian children.

THAT’S GREAT.  Just like Ethiopia.  (NOT)

So I guess I’m curious about your statement, “Yes it can be done. But it’s a messed up thing to do.”
What were we to do when we weren’t able to get pregnant?

NOT.  HAVE.   KIDS.  (gasp!)  DO WITHOUT. 

Have you ever done without anything you REALLY wanted in your life?  Ever?  Of course not.  That’s called ENTITLEMENT.

Should we have insisted on only adopting a brown hair, brown eyed white baby because they looked like us?  That to me sounds racist in itself.

I never suggested that.  Why do they always suggest  I’m being racist when I suggest racial matching would make life easier for the child? Is that even arguable? See why I get upset?

And what about those kids in America who need adoptive parents?  The ones who are racially matched to you don’t need help?  And if you absolutely must help a person of color (and tell me that’s free of racism…) then why do you have to go to another country to do it?

Answer:  Because you only want to help BABIES so YOU can get more out of it.

Answer:  Because international adoption reflects better on YOU.  Because it’s more exotic.

Answer:  Because then it’s easier for you to erase the pesky matter of the child’s history and the fact that it has a living, breathing mother experiencing pain and stress and hardship.  (Most “orphans” these days do not have dead parents, the stories of their relinquishment are often fabricated, and what is done to alleviate the need for the relinquishment?  Your gain is another person’s loss…)

Answer:  Because then you can romanticize the ugly truths of your child’s acquisition.

Answer:  Because it’s potentially less complicated for you.

Oh, and btw, I’ve known a lot of African Americans and they do a lot more unofficial adopting that Caucasian Americans.  It’s called extended family, it’s how children in unfortunate circumstances in most countries were taken care of before international adoption, and they keep that tradition alive.  In other cases, there’s still a color gap between those who can afford to adopt and those who can’t.  Maybe if America still didn’t have racially driven social problems, there’s be less children of color in foster care in the first place.

I’d have to say that in the 100’s of families we’ve seen adopt from Ethiopia only 2-3 of them have been black and they were originally from Ethiopia.  So what was to become of those children that were adopted?

Maybe they stay in an orphanage, or maybe their moms will find themselves in a better position and be able to retrieve them.  Or maybe they can go live with extended family.  In either case, they get to keep their language and their culture and not be totally severed from that and have to explain their existence their whole lives. And the sending countries have to learn to deal with taking care of their own people, instead of brushing the loss of citizens under the rug.

Should they have to wait until a black person or better yet someone from Africa came and adopted them?  Because to be honest that might not have ever happened.

OBVIOUSLY, you are saviors.  THANK GOD FOR YOU.

And of course, someone from their own country’s not going to adopt them.  Why should they, when their government can relax and let international adoption take care of their lack of social services?  Why should they, when rich people from other countries can promises things they mistakenly assume are “the good life?”

Your intervention helps retard social services and colonize the minds of the countries you take children from.

Have you ever thought about  SPONSORING THE CHILD’S MOM so your child’s family  CAN STAY TOGETHER?  OR SENDING MONEY to Ethiopian relief aid  SO FAMILIES CAN STAY TOGETHER?  Or that your child CAME FROM and OUT OF someone?  A REAL PERSON?  That probably needed help?  That might not have had to LOSE THEIR CHILD?

Can you not see this in a larger socio-political context?  Or can you only see this through the short range of your privileged lenses?

My wife and I totally understand the hardships and struggles that our daughter “MIGHT” go through.

WILL go through. MIGHT not share with you.  Probably WON’T share with you, no matter how close you imagine you are.

We have prepared ourselves through reading, counseling and communication and even that might not be enough.But we love our daughter and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.  Yes, she is a Utopian fantasy of ours because we’ve always wanted to be parents.  She has been such a blessing to us and has forever changed our lives.

Why is it the only way you recognize helping children is if they bless your lives?  IF THERE IS A BENEFIT IN IT FOR YOU? And you know who has to deal with the aftermath?  THE CHILD, that’s who…

So JUST STOP IT. The “benevolence” is short-sighted and self-serving and you can stop congratulating yourselves.  But especially, especially don’t come to me for validation.  I only blog about adoption to ease the children’s lives.  I DON’T CARE about the parents.  I only talk to them so their kids might have slightly less irritating monsters to deal with.

These things start to grate on a person after awhile.  Many of my fellow adoption reform adoptee friends are just out-right mean and nasty to these parents.  And I’m beginning to see why.  Because they’re clue-less and dumb and want to keep their heads  buried in the sand.  They absolutely refuse to see that anything they did ever could possibly have been wrong.  That adopting isn’t really the selfless wonderful act everyone wants to believe it is.  And that it isn’t even charitable.  It just helps perpetuate systems which exploit poor countries and perpetuates systems which disenfranchise women and perpetuates systems which make countries co-dependent and perpetuates systems which retard social services.

We’re still taking children sight unseen from other countries and ripping them from all they know and telling them it’s for their own good.  But really, it’s all about what the adopters want and need.

Why is it the whole world can not understand the concept that we should work on  eliminating the need for adoption, and that the pressure of the huge appetite of adopters the world over is making that job almost impossible?  EVERY SINGLE PERSON who says, yeah, I understand all that (and ignore it) but what about the kids in the meantime?  I’ll just help one of these kids…THAT is all the movement it takes to keep this sick machine in perpetual motion.

In other scream-into-a-bag news…

HOLT is looking for a director of services for Latin America and Haiti.  They need to be well poised for when the well-founded concerns about Haitian adoption cools down…where will they turn up next?  Hmm???  North Korea???  Vultures.

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